A DIVINE WORLD IN THE MAKING

2009-01-25T17:51:00.002-05:00

One giant leap for me...

I am so proud of myself. So I was at a Liberty Travel with my girls and this idiot texts me "I miss you". Last year, I would've stopped whatever I was doing and reply back instead I ignored him. One giant leap for me!

I sit here typing my thoughts realizing that it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. Yes, I have my moments when I'm all alone and need someone...anyone to fill my loneliness(read 3 posts down) but even then I never let him back in my life. Maybe I'm a lot stronger than I think. Hopefully, this is a sign that maybe I'm ready to go out there again and find Mr. Right. We'll see.

2009-01-23T21:14:00.003-05:00

Quick thought....
So I skipped work the last 2 days...just haven't been up to it. I called out twice within the first month of the year. What a way to start the new year! I just need a break from nursing. I've been doing this...for what...5 months and I'm already burned out. This is not looking good at all. I'm fine when I'm there. It's the getting up and going that's the problem. I need to figure something out quick.

2009-01-21T21:26:00.004-05:00

Aaaaaaaaat Laaaaaaaaast!

Can you ask for anything more beautiful than this picture. Americans, for the most part, aren't used to seeing black couples on television. Now the most photographed couple (the title has always has belong to the President and First Lady) will be people of color. It's nice seeing something nonscripted and nonstagnant.

I want what they have!

2009-01-21T20:26:00.004-05:00

I haven't been on my blog for well over a year. A lot has happened. I'm now a nurse. I work in the city. I make a lot of money...oddly enough I'm still broke. I've rekindled a lot of old friendships and now trying to rid myself of the unhealthy ones.

The biggest change: I'm seriously lonely. I don't mean I have no one to talk too but I have no intimacy in my life. Awhile back I described a relationship I had been in (it's a few posts down). I called it a "friend with benefit" type relationship. Well, we tried the relationship thing and he seriously hurt me. Mind you, I was the one who didn't want to pursue anything more than what it was but he insisted he believed it would work and it did for awhile until he started trying to talk to a couple of friends of mine thinking I would never find out. Talk about a low blow. My self esteem plummetted after that and I haven't recovered since. It's now been 5 months and everytime I think about it I get sick to my stomach. I'm a little better now....at least I'm not crying at the thought of him anymore but from time to time when I'm home alone and memories start creeping I do tear up. I have so many questions. He still texts me from time to time. I either ignore it or just reply one word answers. Why does he even bother? I gotta get over this. I want to meet someone. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel wanted. Right now, I just feel lonely.

2007-07-14T15:34:00.001-04:00

This is where I've been spending my summer. For the past month and a half I have been interning at one of the best hospitals in the world. How is it, you ask? Well, any doubts I had about nursing has been thrown out the window. I am in love again. The idea of spending my summer in NYC was a big deal but actually doing it was even better. The city really never sleeps. But the hospital I'm at (I will keep quiet about the name only because of privacy issues) has the best of everything. You really can't ask for anything better. It's official, this is the hospital I wish to start and finish my career.

Friends With Benefits

2006-07-09T12:07:00.000-04:00

Are these types of relationships healthy?

I'm in what some would characterize a 'friends with benefits' relationship. I have this guy friend who is so uncomplicated. He listens. He advises. He's warm and most importantly trustworthy. So why aren't we 'together'...well we are but not in the conventional sense. See, between school and work I don't have the energy for the baggage that comes with having a boyfriend. Some would characterize this type of a relationship as very unhealthy because ultimately someone will catch feelings. Others will argue in today's fast paced world where divorces are just legal breakups it's so easy to just end it all. What's the point of investing time knowing you're not fully invested in making it work. I have so much going on in my life...deep down it's a temporary solution in this stage of my life.

Or maybe I should be honest with myself and admit my real feelings. Quite honestly, I don't even know how I feel about him. I like him but not in the way of 'I hope we have a long lasting relationship.' I'm physically attracted to him but I don't see myself with him for the longterm only because he one day wants to get married and have children...things I'm not sure I want. I don't see myself married. So right now I think I might be subconsciously keeping him in the 'friend with benefit category' until I figure out my next move. I don't want to fall deep for him but I don't want him to think I'm using him or worse he move onto someone else. I know one thing, I just answered my original question. It's not healthy.

How I Enjoy the Smell of My New Apartment...

2006-07-09T11:44:00.000-04:00

Do you know where I'm typing from? Yes, I'm finally settled in my new apartment. I'm loving it! It took months but I've finally signed a lease and enjoying every bit of this new space. Granted, I have a large empty living room because buying a 2,000 furniture set isn't a priority when I still have a 17,000 tuition payment that needs to be made for the new school year but I'm not worried. I'm going to enjoy July even if it kills me....it will kill me...but I'm still going to enjoy it!

26 Years Younger!

2006-04-09T09:53:00.000-04:00

My B-day passed a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I am now 26 years younger. How the hell did that happen? I've officially entered the 'You don't look 26"stage. When I was 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 I hated when people described my look as young but now I have a new found appreciation for it.

On March 28, 2006 I made up my mind that I was taking the day to myself...well I still went to class and I was to meet up with my boy-friend (the label is temporary) for a little girl-friend (again...the label is temporary...notice the dash) appreciation. The worst part about birthdays is the recognition. The best part about birthdays is the recognition. I would rather people not bring it to my attention but at the same time I would be pissed if you didn't. So I went the whole day getting my usual calls of congratulations on being officially in my middle 20's. Then my friend (notice the label) cancels on me! Talk about P-I-S-S-E-D. I was determined not to let him ruin this day so I agreed to go with my cousin to this party he was hosting. After 10 minutes of driving the opposite direction of NYC, I tapped my cousin on the shoulder and asked where he was taking me. I guess I should've asked before I entered the car....ATLANTIC CITY! Oh Hell Naw! Sitting in a car for 2 hours was not my idea of salvaging my day but it was too late. I was stuck. Luckily, the way my cousin drove we were there in about an hour and a half. I was tired, pissed, and ready to go off on anyone until we arrived at 40/40 AC. I have to say...not bad....better than the NYC establishment...waaaay better. As I entered the establishment and was directed into one of the rooms to my surprise everyone, and I mean everyone, was there to celebrate my day even my boyfriend (the return of the label). A certain president/B-ball owner/club owner passed through as well. Remember what I said earlier in my blog post....well apparently, he agreed, 'You don't look 26'. I agree, Jay, I agree! LOL!

Why AM I Still Worried?

2006-04-02T09:01:00.000-04:00

2 jobs

Ace'ing my classes

Paying off my car note (this month)

My credit card bills are almost paid off (give it another month or two)

Moving to a new apartment in August.

Why am I still so worried? Everything is going the way it should be. Why do I feel...

Tired

Restless

Anxious

Scared

Annoyed

Mothers...So Darn Pushy

2006-03-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

I love my mom to death but she is so pushy. All my life I've done things her way just so she would stop nagging me. Sometimes...ok, maybe most of the time she has been right but sometimes you need to make your own mistakes to really understand it's significance.

I'm currently apartment hunting. I am soooo not interested in this place she's suggesting I live at. Now, the apartment, for practical purposes, is perfect. The rent's cheap. The place has security, the complex is newly renovated, in house laundy facility, and an in house grcoery store. What's the problem you ask? Well, why would an apartment so perfect be so cheap? Yes, you got it, it's the area! The apartment is a gated community in the middle of the inner city (the city will remain nameless). Yes, I'm more embarrassed by the location of the apartment than anything else. It's trivial, I know. You have this great and affordable apartment and you're willing to pass it up because of where it's located? My answer: Hell, yeah. I'm the one who's going to live in it! When getting an apartment, it has to satisfy most, if not all of you're main requirements? Well, this apartment does not.

My mother's advice: Take the apartment now and when school is over and you're well into your career get whatever you want.

My point: I'm the one who'll be paying for MY apartment now AAAAAND when i get out of school so why should I settle for something I don't want when I can continue to look for an apartment I do.

I have an August deadline. She's not getting her way this time! No way, no how, not happening!

Settling For Nothing Less than I Deserve

2006-03-05T09:40:00.000-05:00

"Well, you know what, I'm sorry, but I'm better than settling. If I never get married and have children, then that's just fine. I would be happier knowing that I'm alone because I chose not to settle than settling and always knowing that I did indeed settle. So I quickly got out of the mindset of 'damn everybody is getting married and having babies.' And afterall, there's more that I want to accomplish before marriage and children." Crimson

If this isn't a real statement then I don't know what is! Why is it that a woman is expected to have had an education, a career, married with children all before the age of 30? I'm 25 years old, in school, working, living on my own, leading my own life...content with the direction I'm going and someone can come up to me and say, "Have you met someone, yet?" and mess up my whole day. Like, everything else I've accomplished means nothing because I'm not married. The next statement is always, 'Well, you need to start working on finding that man so you can start having you some kids." Huh?

Why is it that today's independant woman will put her heart and soul in making her career happen but because she believes she's on biological time she will settle for the next available fool?

*raises hand*

ANSWER: Because society puts out two contradicting messages. An independant woman fends for herself but once she's there or is somewhere around the viccinity of independant she needs to work on finding that man to marry and have those kids. I'm not at all suggesting that you can't be independant and have kids but I do believe that there are people out there who really just have no interest in getting married or having kids either now or ever. Someone told me the people who think that way are either ugly or picky. I'll admit I'm a tad picky but I'm far from ugly. It's possible that there does exist woman who want to follow their own path to achieving their own idea of happiness whether it's having a career, being married with children, or both. Why not let them be without judging them? Just deal with the fact that some women's definition of having it all doesn't include being married and having kids.

Breathe, Relax, & Release

2006-02-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

I have to sign up for a yoga or pilattes class.

I hate my job, unfortunately, my job loves me. What a dilemna. *sighs*

I'm sooo cutting my hours. Corporate America wants to treat me like shit they better get ready for me to return the favor!

Why is their so much work involved in this one stupid class. I mean, really?!!

I do not want to start this Lit Review.

I do not want to study for another exam.

I'm going to miss my supervisor. note to self: remember to get her a going away gift.

My new supervisor is in for a rude awakening if she thinks she'll just come in and walk all over my coworkers and I.

I would so rather be home, in bed, watching Sex & The City, while eating a piece of chocolate cake.

I better start this lit review now.

Breathe, Relax, and Release.

Damn Headaches!!!

2006-02-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, so yesterday, I had another one of those headache episodes, the one that keep me bedridden for the rest of the day. I finally go and see my doctor yesterday and advise that the medication he suggested just isn't strong enough. He didn't want to prescribe anything to me because I've had little to no health problems in the past. He did a history on me then did a thorough examination before he was convinced that I suffer from muscle spasms. About a year & a half ago I was in a car accident that, at the time, I believed I walked away unharmed. Unfortunately, ever since, I would have very tense neck and back muscle pain that would come and go. At first, I thought my positioning when I slept was the cause but it never explained why I would have the headaches. At least once a week I would get a sharp pain on one side of my head, mostly the left side. The headache would appear when I woke up in the morning, but also at the end of the day when I was tired. My neck would hurt the same side my head would accompanied by nausea. The accident apparently cause the muscle spasms but it seems it's been compunded by my bad posture (I have minor scoliosis).

My doctor explained that my headaches were the result of muscle spasms in my neck. When a muscle on one side of my neck goes into spasm it causes not only a one-sided headache but also pushes on the vagus nerve in the neck which causes my nausea. He sat with me in his office to go over some stretching routines I must do before I go to bed and when I wake up. He said, he suffered from muscle spasms for years before he was correctly diagnosed last year. He said most doctors would just prescribe medication for the headaches not really examining the cause of them. He also gave me a noninflammatory prescribition to counter the headaches.

At first I thought my doctor was bullshitting me about the muscle spasms so he wouldn't have to prescribe me anything but when he tucked my neck this striking pain flashed through me but when he made me do the stretching exercises the headache, which had intensified over the past few hours, had reduced considerably. He said I might have to see a physical therapist if the headaches persist because it would be indicative of me needing more extensive physical treatment. For now, I'm taking the medication and stretching every few hours. I didn't realize how soar my back was. Thankfully, I know what is causing the headaches and now I know there are things I can do about it.

Lounging

2006-02-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

Big snow storm on the way.

Glad I got my Netflix movies

Glad I got my Sex & The City Series

Need to study for Tuesday's exam

Because of some error, I haven't gotten paid in almost 4 weeks . My check next week is going to be nice *dances*

I could use a french vanilla right about now.

I miss my Siyclone fam...*sighs*

Only positive thoughts for HoneyAmber.

Got Through My First Week of Classes

2006-01-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

My first official week of school was pretty darn good. Expectedly, though, there were some bumps along the way like getting computer access into the school's network, getting a new student ID, and all the other painful things you have to go through just to be official within the school. I especially hate big schools because everything you need to get done can't get done in one building. 'Oh, you need a parking pass, you have to go to Knoxx Hall...you need computer access, you have to go to Talbot Hall.' uuuuhhhhhh! All in all, not bad. I like all my professors and the material doesn't seem that big of a deal...yet.

Unfortunately, I still work 35hrs a week plus overtime which brings the grand total to about 50 hrs a week. I'm pretty sure I agreed to be parttime. *scratches head* What happened? I have to try and figure out how to manage my time.

Sadly, I have, yet, another headache which means I'll be bedridden today. Hopefully, the meds my Dr prescribed will actually work. toodles!

Dinner With Friends

2006-01-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a group of us at work decided we would go to Friday's, have a few drinks, and partake in some healthy conversation. This, in my mind, was not going to be good. I'm so unfamiliar with a Friday's menu. I don't drink and a healthy conversation with coworkers meant we would be talking about work all night. After waking up in the wee hours of the morning to get ready for class, and from class race to work, then work overtime, did I really want to spend the rest of the night with my coworkers to talk about work? I went anyway. I guess I like torture *shrugs*.

End Result: I love Friday's Chicken Quesidilla's. Their Chicken Alfredo is shockingly delicious. *makes mental note to order that the next time I go there* It's true about Long Island Ice Tea's, they really creep up on you. Lastly, it's great to know my coworkers had no intention of talking about work. It was a great fun free night with a group of people who looked out for me (i'm the virgin drinker in the group) and made me laugh all night! Special thanx to Angie for entertaining me all the way home!

2006-01-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

So Angie's pregnant? Hmm.... I honestly don't know what to think of Brad & Angelina's relationship. On one hand they both seem to fit each other perfectly. Brad was never a blockbuster king (Tom Cruise, Will Smith, etc). Never really considered one of Hollywood's most respected actors (ala Denzel, Russel Crowe, Tom Hanks). Brad was just one of Hollywood's Sexiest Men. He's more famous for being People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive than being part of such critically acclaim films such as A River Runs Through It, Fight Club, or Seven. In fact, if you ask anyone the first thing that comes to mind when they think of Brad Pitt they would say Jennifer, Angelina, or sexy. Is he a good actor...i actually think he is but who cares?!! He's Brad Pitt!

Now Angelina...well...what can we say about Angelina? If we really look back at her career and rise to fame it isn't much different from Brad's. The woman has 3 Golden Globes and an Oscar to her name but when you think Angelina do you think Blockbuster Queen (Julia Roberts and well Julia Roberts) or respected actress (Hillary Swank, Nicole Kidman, etc). She is arguable one of the sexiest women alive. She's loved by men for her looks and apparent fearlessness and admired by women for her 'I could give a fuck' attitude to her newfound maternal instincts. When you think Angelina you don't think of Girl Interrupted or Tomb Raider. You think her lips, sexy, and Brad.

So, at that, it just seems right the two would hook up. He's the captain of the football team and she's the head of the Black Savage Club. The unlikely couple at the class reunion. It's so weird it's perfect. Do I agree with their union? Does it really matter? I hate the way they hooked up but I like to see people happy. Brad finally seems to be at a place he actually fits in...playing a father and a humanitarian and it seems he's found someone who shares those same interests. Will it work out? It's Hollywood, nothing ever works out! At least we all can sit at home and watch the train wreck in motion. Who knows the two might work out but for some reason I honestly don't see that happening. In the meantime, I hope Maddox, Sahara, and Baby Brangelina manage to walk away from this disaster unscathed.

I have...I will

2006-01-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

I have the flu.

I have to renew my license.

I have to change my class schedule.

I have to pay my tuition.

**************************************************************

Will get over my flu...eventually.

Will renew my license Friday.

Will change my class schedule Friday.

Will pay my tuition on Friday.

Ahh, the joy of registering...

2006-01-07T09:28:00.000-05:00

I hate registration. I forgot how much of a hassle it is. Back in November I registered for the courses I needed to take in the Spring. I picked the sections based on the fact I knew I wouldn't be working in the Spring. My plans were to leave my job the end of 05 however that didn't happen since I was asked to stay on board part time. You know what that means? I'm back to square one trying to figure out what my options are in terms of finding what course sections would be convenient for me. I'm pulling my hair because when I tried to change my schedule my Dean advised that I wait a week (add/drop period) to switch sections but now as I type I'm not sure I even want to change the sections I registered for back in November. I guess I'm officially a student again. LOL

New Year, New Day

2006-01-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

No more dwelling in the past though I must say 2005 wasn't a bad year.

It is now officially 2006! You know what I did when I woke up this morning? I started setting my plans into motion. This year is going to special (being positive is my New Year's resolution). I've always just let life lead me instead of the other way around. Midway through 2005 I realized I am capable of so much more but I was just too lazy to get up and take action.

What was supposed to be my last day at work (Friday Dec 30th) turned out to be one less headache I would've had to deal with come 2006. I guess my Supervisor really likes me because she pulled strings to allow me to work around my school schedule. I will continue to bring in steady income without all the hassle of having to find a new job that wouldn't mind the sporatic work hours and that payed decently.

I can now say I am officially a Nursing Student. It's going to be hell the next 2 years but I'll make it. I spent about a year and a half after graduation as a research assistant at my alma mater and the last half of 2005 working at an HR firm dealing solely with employee benefits. Now I'm taking a different direction, careerwise, and moving towards healthcare. My goal: graduate with my second BS degree but this time in nursing (RN license), enter a graduate program to attain either a Masters in Healthcare Adminstration (MHA) or a Masters in Business (MBA). I might go for the latter because an MHA can be very limitting and an MBA tends to provide a general management core followed by courses specializing in health care. “Helping by leading” is my motto. With the current state of healthcare being more about politics (10 in, 1 out... more money for less), a sort of factory, it's obvious there is a lack of true leadership at the top. I'm not going to get ahead of myself so at this point I'm just taking things one day at time.

For now, I'm content with knowing that I'll be alright. Finally, I am feeling like my life is going a direction I want it to go and not what everyone else has been planning for me. I said 2005 would be a good year, and it was, and I'm confident 2006 will be as well.

The End of the Road of Friendship

2005-12-27T21:14:00.000-05:00

Am I a bad person? I just got a call from one of my long time girlfriends. I've known her for well over 10 years. We even went to the same University. The thing is, I haven't spoken to her or our other 2 girlfriends for months. Why? I can't really say...well...I can but I know if I admit it I'll feel so bad. I've known these girls since high schoool. We've been through everything but I just hate spending time with them. I hate talking to them on the phone. They've been the greatest friends but something about me just doesn't want to deal with them. We're at different places in our lives...well...we're not, really. My mom always asks about them but I don't have the heart to tell her that I am the reason we're not as well connected as we used to. I talk to them maybe once every 3-4 mos. I don't even make the effort to call them. It's me...all me.

I've always been a 'hi and bye' person. I don't like long term relationships. It's too much work. I've always hated talking on the phone because most of the time it's a waste. You wind up talking about nothing for 3 hours. I hate going out with them because when we do we tend to have this round table discussion about our lives and I just don't like sharing details about my life with them (i gather they feel the same) and so we end up talking about the past. I'm soooooo tired of talking about the past! We don't really have much in common outside of what we've lived through together. I honestly don't care what's going on in their lives because I have my own stuff to deal with. I know that sounds selfish but I have a feeling they, too, hate talking about what's going on in their lives as well.

So where do we go from here? My friend said in our brief conversation (very brief because I made up some excuse as to why I had to hang up) that we should all do something together. I really don't want to get together. All I know is that I need to get my act together. They won't put up with my sketchiness for too long. Sooner or later they'll continue their friendship without me and I have to ask myself if that's what I really want. True friends are really hard to come by and I'm realizing that I haven't been the truest. I don't want, 5 years down the line, to regret not making the effort but I also don't want to hold on to something that, in my heart, I'm not sure I really want to work at keeping. A happy healthy person is someone who is true to themself. My heart and mind is struggling to find that commonplace...the point into which I can move on without feeling like I'm carrying the weight of guilt for wanting to end relationships that lasted for 10 years. For now, I'll just take things slow.

Why do I do this to Myself?!!

2005-12-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

Every year, for as long as I remember, I've promised myself that I would not wait till the last minute to do Xmas shopping. Yet, again, I didn't follow through with that promise. Since today is Xmas Eve I thought I'd make a run for it first thing in the morning...of course that didn't happen. I left around noon. Then I call myself going to Best Buy to finally get Mary J Blige's and Jaime Foxx's cd's. As soon as I get there I'm faced with a line out the door. That was my cue to reverse my steps back to the car and go to the mall nearby to one of the smaller end stores to get the cds. Hell, I had to pay an extra $2 each for both cd's but at least I got them.

You know it's Christmas when you drive around for 10 mins to find a parking space, wait another 5 minutes while the idiots occupying the space take forever and a day to put their things in the car and back out, then deal with a complete ass who shoots out of nowhere to steal my spot. After 20 minutes, I finally found parking...it was a 10 minute walk to the entrance of the mall but at least I finally made it, right? Guess what greets me when I enter the mall? People, more people, and even more people. Forget trying to get help from store reps, forget finding the appropriate size for a friend without offending her, and forget waiting in line for 20 minutes. The worst part of all of this is trying not to fall or bump into anyone on your way out of the mall carrying loads of stuff that isn't even for me.

Why do I do this to myself? Do I just like the punishhment or is there a little part of me that actually likes the hussle of Xmas shopping. Xtmas Eve in Jersey is like everyday in NYC. People trying to get where they need to be to get what they want as quickly as possible. Haaaaa...I love Xtmas Eve!

What's In A Christmas?

2005-12-23T13:51:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a time for sharing, smiling, and getting back in touch with your loved ones. It's warm, happy, and the best time to which people come together and really celebrate living....ok that's like the first hour.

Then Christmas becomes about yelling, screaming, and waiting for the opportunity to curse someone out. Ok so I'm here at work. I decided I would come in a festive mood...all smiles. That was the plan. I even wore a Santa hat just to get in the mood. What the hell happened? My coworkers are at each others throats, we're attacking the clients, we're all having an all around horrible day. I tried to be positive...I really did. I'm not genuinely the happiest person all the time but I made the effort to come into this place festive. The problem is we've gotten so tired of each other that we've reached our breaking point.

I'm going to try and keep a steady attitude but I can't promise anything. This is why I can't stand celebrating Xmas. It's no longer about the holiday.

end of my rant.

EDIT:

I guess my coworkers saw how unhappy I was and decided to get all cheery. One of my coworkers started to sing (not very good I might add...LOL), to me, a holiday tune at my desk just to get me right again and everyone joined in. We exchanged gifts and got back into the spirit. It really wasn't a bad day after all. I love my coworkers....sometimes.

Just One of Those Days...

2005-12-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't want to be bothered? Laughing, smiling, socializing isn't something you feel like doing with anyone. You just focus on your work at hand and try and tune everyone out. I just had that day. Nothing caused my mood. No one pissed me off. It's not that time of the month. I just wanted to be left alone but as hard as I tried I couldn't just tune everyone out and it infuriated me even more. Everytime someone came by it was, 'what's wrong?' or 'Is everything ok?' and though I really couldn't put my finger on it I just said, 'I'm tired' in hopes of them getting it and moving on.

The funniest part is that even though something was eating at me I was more concerned with not offending anyone then dealing with my own issues. I didn't want anyone to think I was mad at them and I didn't want people to assume I was just catching an attitude so I just kept to myself until I was ready to force myself to warm up to people. Sadly, it didn't solve whatever it is that's bothering me. Even now as I type I don't know what's eating at me...well...actually I kind of do but I'm not ready to deal with it. So my mood is a manifestation of my inability to deal with whatever is bothering me. So what do I do from here? I do what I always do lock my issue away in a closet, cry myself to sleep, and treat today as just one of those days.

*****

Since I'm trying to create a more spirited world around me I know I must make the first step. What's the first step? Admitting the problem. So what's bothering me?....I hate change.

What 'Type' Are You?

2005-12-21T23:43:00.000-05:00

Somebody said to me that I seem like the type to have more male friends then female friends. I looked at this person very confused. I couldn't understand how he came to this conclusion. I mean, what did I say or do for you to 'type' me. Don't you hate when people just analyze your behavior just to group you? In the end, what's the point of getting to know anyone if you're comparing them to others. In a world where no two people are the same how come we categorize each other? I hate the phrases, 'Generally when someone acts this way....', or 'People like you...', or the dreaded, 'You seem to be the type...'. I mean, really, why are you comparing me and my behavior to someone else? I won't lie, I'm sometimes guilty of this. I'm a horoscope buff so as soon as someone divulges their sign I always try to find that one common denominator that makes people of that sign similar. The question is, why? Is it because we need to be able to somehow place each individual? Or is it just easier for us to adjust ourselves and our behavior to suit the next person. Whatever reason it is it seems to all boil down to you, the individual.

Generally, when a person acts...
People like you...
You seem to be the type...

You know what all of those phrases above have in common? They're all relative to the individual doing the judging. If you took a pool of 100 people and you and your friend, individually, had to split this pool into 5 groups of 20 (opinionated type, shy type, angry type and so on) based on your own interactions with each individual of that pool you both would come up with 5 groups of 20 made up of totally different people. Why, because it's all subjective. Each individual's experience differs from the next. Today a friend of mine, while analyzing my behavior towards another individual, said, 'Generally, when people act like this they are subconsciously...' How about I'm 'consciously' aware of how I'm acting and it has nothing to do with some subconsious need. Could it be that my reason for acting the way I do is because of an issue seperate from what's 'generally' the reason most people you've encountered have? It kind of bugged me because I'm fully aware of how I feel and it was sort of patronizing to have someone try and put a 'type'to my feelings and behavior based on what 'generally' means in relation to them and their experience with others or from a book of psychology.

Since I'm trying to create my new divine world my first step is to try and not 'type' others. My world will be a better place.

Oh, Hilary, Oh, Hilary

2005-12-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

I was reading my fellow blogger, Michael's, entry and in it he discusses the bad, badder, and worst traits of one of our favorite Democrats, Hilary Clinton. Anyway, while I was reading his blog he posed a very important question, why do we Democrats love Mrs. Clinton so much? Is it because she's married to Bill? Or is it because she's a Democrat? I'll go with both because for the life of me I can't name one thing she's done to warrant my support *scratches head*. I mean, really, she hasn't done anything out of the ordinary or even remotely close to what her husband has to garner the political attention she's received. Where was she when Congress voted to send our troops to Iraq? Where was she during the Katrina devastation? I've never heard or even read about her speaking out against President Bush. So really, again, I ask, what is the big deal about Mrs. Clinton?

Now don't get me wrong I'm not jumping ship (just yet) but I'm not voting for a candidate soley on their politicial affiliation. Should I take comfort in knowing that she's married to Bill? Technically, he would be her own personal advisor. I mean, who'd make a better advisor than the former president of the United States? Plus, there are rumblings that it might be a race between Hilary and Condeleeza. Wouldn't that just be grand? It'll be like the 2004 elections all over again. A candidate who's completely wrong but is steadfast on proving to everyone she's not and the other who has absolutely no idea of what's going on. She couldn't pick a side if her life depended on it. Now if I were to jump ship and hand anyone my vote ...dare I say...it would go to John McCain. He's what I call the liberal conservative (LOL). The in-between candidate...now come 2008 if he enters the race, democrat or not, Hilary Clinton won't be getting my vote.

I Hate Sensitive Men

2005-12-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

I really, really, really, hate sensitive guys. You know what I mean? The guys that are constantly offended by every little thing. If you don't reciprocate their feelings, it's like, 'What's wrong?' Why do you assume something is wrong with me if I don't kiss your ass or I don't agree with what you said. And, God, forbid I actually have an opinion different from yours. Geesh.

I used to be involved with this guy who constantly questioned every feeling I had. It's like, damn, give me some space. Then he would analyze my every action. Really, I thought I was the woman in this relationship! If I don't say hi, something's wrong with me. If I don't say bye, something's wrong with me. If I don't call, something's wrong with. Can I live, damn!

This message was brought to you by the what I have become since hooking up with a sensitive man . Carry on.

To Hate on a Non Degreer or Not? That is the Question.

2005-12-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

I really despise jealous people. Ok, so this chick at work keeps complaining about how she doesn't think the company is paying her much attention. She's always whining about how people who don't have college degrees are being promoted within the company when she's still sitting their feeling unappreciated. I have a college degree, but you don't see me hating on people who are being promoted for working harder than my ass so why is she complaining? I mean, really? A college degree doesn't guarantee a promotion. It doesn't mean you were trained harder than the next guy. A college degree just means you took the extra step. It just means you have a better chance than the next guy to climb that latter of success but if you have someone with no degree who is working a hell of a lot harder why shouldn't they get that promotion over you? The girl who was promoted works hard...she deserves her promotion. I even asked this chick if she felt the other girl didn't deserve it and she couldn't say no.

So really what does a college degree really mean? I'm not going to kid myself and say a college degree doesn't mean anything nowaday, because the truth is it still does. Even though I'm pursuing my second BS and will be in a masters program right after I'm in a better boat than most people with 10-20 years of experience because the likelihood is that it took them a hell of a lot longer to get that executive position than it would've been for that college graduate.

So after all this rambling what conclusion have I come up with...well...even though I encourage EVERYONE to pursue that paper don't think that because you already have it means you're entitled to any level of advancement. In college your competing against students, at work you're competing against other employees. Your employer doesn't care that you had that higher grade in calculus III only that you can apply what you learned to advance their company. Life follows the Darwin Theory of Evolution, only the strongest survive. I know a hell of a lot smarter people without a college degree than with one.

The Butterfly Effect

2005-12-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

Alright, this movie was weird. If someone hadn't given me a brief explanation of the movie before I watched then I would've totally walked away thinking, WTF!! Without giving too much away, the main character [Ashton Kutcher] tries to go back in time to fix his past. This isn't some Back to the Future type movie with a time machine...it's weird and very complicated. The Butterfly Effect gives rise to the notion that when a butterfly flaps its wing in one area of the world it causes a catostrophic weather event in another part. The movie follows the idea that life, no matter how complex and complicated, relies upon an underlying order, and that very simple or small changes in the past can cause very complex behaviors or events in the future.

Watching the film made me ask myself if I had the opportunity to go back knowing what I know now would I change anything? I know some peeps will say, 'I wouldn't be the person I am today if....' When I hear that answer that's my cue to roll my eyes because you can't tell me if you had the chance to go back in time and prevent yourself from tripping in front of those executives or the chance to tell homeboy to put on a condom or even get the chance to say your last goodbye to someone who has passed you wouldn't. Don't even try and convince yourself you wouldn't take the opportunity to change that moment that may have served as the prerequisite for the rest of your life. Tell me, I dare you.

Then again, it's those little moments that you never think twice about that if changed throws off your entire balance. Maybe spending that extra 3 seconds looking up at the sky or deciding to pick up the phone on it's last ring or even sitting for the extra minute while your car warmed up might have saved your life. Either way life is about the unknown. We make decisions on what we think is right at the time. If given the opportunity would I go back and change something in my past...well, yes, but only if I got to see, at that moment, how different my life would be.

Arghhhhhhh!!!!

2005-12-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

I am so annoyed right now. I'm in transition. I am leaving my job at the end of the year to go back to school in the Spring. I've been saving to pay my Spring tuition but here comes my 17 year old brother asking for a $200 IPOD. Mind you, I'm the one who bought the ps1 when it was released, the ps2 when it was released, and whatever 'must have' he wanted at the moment. Well I tell my brother I can get him the IPOD but it will be after Xtmas. You know what this fool said, 'But I want it Xtmas day so I can unwrap my gift with everyone else'. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, 'You're 17 years old! What difference does it make when you get your gift as long as you get it? Are you fucking kidding me?!!!' After my little outburst my brother looks down knowing his comment was dumb as hell and now he's moping around like a homeless kid who just lost his cracker.

The worst part about of all this is not even his comment but the fact that I still want to get the gift for him before Xtmas knowing full well I might be short with tuition. What's wrong with me? I'm thinking I could still get the IPOD and if I'm short with tuition my parents would make up the difference but wouldn't I be just as bad as my brother? I actually have a job and the point of my working was for me to pay off some cc bills (which I have) and save up tuition. My parents would never come out of their pockets and get my brother a $200 IPOD simply because he isn't doing what you would exactly call exceptional in school. Fuck It, I'm not getting the IPOD. At least I hope I don't....

Mary's Breathrough

2005-12-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

I'm loving Mary J's new album. I was beginning to have my doubts about her especially after the horrific Love & Life and No More Drama albums. She was a victim of her own misery in My Life, Share My World, and Mary. She spoke to a generation about inner struggle and it paid off. I once heard someone compare her to Aretha Franklin and on some level this might be true but the one thing Aretha Franklin has done that Mary J has yet to is produce a successful album about love and true happines. It seems we all loved the miserable Mary but she's really shined on The Breakthrough. Mary J Blige has found love. You hear it in songs like No One Will Do, Be Without You, and So Lady.

This album truly makes me long for love.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.......ok, I'm over it now.

Ok, I Admit It.

2005-12-17T16:51:00.000-05:00

So I've spent most of my life hitting the books in elementary & middle school to prepare for high school. Busted my ass in highschool to get into a good college then did well in college just so my future would be set once I graduated. Well, it's been almost 3 years since I've graduated and I'm no where I thought I'd be...not that I thought I'd actually be doing something specific. Maybe that was the problem. I went into college thinking as long as I finish with a degree I'd figure it out when I graduated. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, is all I heard, for almost 3 years and I am nowhere . Do you know what I majored in? Do you?!! I majored and graduated with a BS in Genetics & Microbiology. Why, you ask because everyone said do science,'... you're so smart. We need a brain like yours in the field.' I hated every minute of it! Yes, I said it, I hated every damn bit of it. *sighs* that felt good to get off my chest.

Don't You Hate....

2005-12-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

....when people constantly ask shit like 'You're getting older...when are you getting married?' as if your only goal in life is to be married and have children. Now, if that's your goal I'm not knocking you but, shit, marriage isn't for everyone. I'm only 25. I'm barely making it financially and you think marriage will save me from drowning?! This girl at my job just turned 30 years old last week. Now a month before she was saying that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to get married because she wanted to be at a certain point in her life, careerwise, yet the minute she turns 30 it's, 'I'm so behind. I should be here in my life...at least married'. I thought the key to happiness is doing for you. Life isn't planned. Your life doesn't have to follow the 'first come love then comes marriage then comes a baby...'jingle. It's yours...OWN IT. Take it and do what you want with it. If you start planning out where you should be in 5 yrs you'll never actually enjoy living. Life's not a race.

My Divine World In The Making

2005-12-17T12:31:00.000-05:00

My life as I know it is just now starting. Hell, I'm in my mid twenties it's not too late to start, right? I know, I know, I need to get on the ball but that goes to show you don't really know me. I've been breezing through life doing all that was/has been expected of me. Now it's time for me to live.

I recently just made a breakthrough....well not recently. My plan has been in the works for about a year but I just needed to set myself up. I've decided from here on out my life is my own. I feared everything from intimacy to finding a career that completes me. Why, you ask? because I was trying to please everyone so as not to bore you all I won't tell you what I have planned, or even what I'm pursuing as of now. Instead my tangents will be relative to you....uh oh, I know what ya'll are thinking, 'Didn't she say she was going to live for herself, do her own thing?'. Well, hold on while I explain. Though we all live different lives we all experience the same thoughts and feelings maybe not at the same time but we are somehow weirdly connected. I can tell a story and you on some level can relate even though you might disagree with my opinion or how I dealt with the experience you form your own thoughts based on my experience. Why, because on some level you get it.

This is our divine world, the world you make your own, you experience and though you aren't living your world relative to mines your living it with the hopes it becomes as grand as you wished it to be. It's Our, or should I say, My Divine World In the Making.

Welcome to My Blog.