The End of the Road of Friendship
Am I a bad person? I just got a call from one of my long time girlfriends. I've known her for well over 10 years. We even went to the same University. The thing is, I haven't spoken to her or our other 2 girlfriends for months. Why? I can't really say...well...I can but I know if I admit it I'll feel so bad. I've known these girls since high schoool. We've been through everything but I just hate spending time with them. I hate talking to them on the phone. They've been the greatest friends but something about me just doesn't want to deal with them. We're at different places in our lives...well...we're not, really. My mom always asks about them but I don't have the heart to tell her that I am the reason we're not as well connected as we used to. I talk to them maybe once every 3-4 mos. I don't even make the effort to call them. It's me...all me.
I've always been a 'hi and bye' person. I don't like long term relationships. It's too much work. I've always hated talking on the phone because most of the time it's a waste. You wind up talking about nothing for 3 hours. I hate going out with them because when we do we tend to have this round table discussion about our lives and I just don't like sharing details about my life with them (i gather they feel the same) and so we end up talking about the past. I'm soooooo tired of talking about the past! We don't really have much in common outside of what we've lived through together. I honestly don't care what's going on in their lives because I have my own stuff to deal with. I know that sounds selfish but I have a feeling they, too, hate talking about what's going on in their lives as well.
So where do we go from here? My friend said in our brief conversation (very brief because I made up some excuse as to why I had to hang up) that we should all do something together. I really don't want to get together. All I know is that I need to get my act together. They won't put up with my sketchiness for too long. Sooner or later they'll continue their friendship without me and I have to ask myself if that's what I really want. True friends are really hard to come by and I'm realizing that I haven't been the truest. I don't want, 5 years down the line, to regret not making the effort but I also don't want to hold on to something that, in my heart, I'm not sure I really want to work at keeping. A happy healthy person is someone who is true to themself. My heart and mind is struggling to find that commonplace...the point into which I can move on without feeling like I'm carrying the weight of guilt for wanting to end relationships that lasted for 10 years. For now, I'll just take things slow.
posted by Jbrit @ 9:14 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry to hear this, jbrit. I hope whatever resolution you come up with makes you happy.
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