The End of the Road of Friendship
Am I a bad person? I just got a call from one of my long time girlfriends. I've known her for well over 10 years. We even went to the same University. The thing is, I haven't spoken to her or our other 2 girlfriends for months. Why? I can't really say...well...I can but I know if I admit it I'll feel so bad. I've known these girls since high schoool. We've been through everything but I just hate spending time with them. I hate talking to them on the phone. They've been the greatest friends but something about me just doesn't want to deal with them. We're at different places in our lives...well...we're not, really. My mom always asks about them but I don't have the heart to tell her that I am the reason we're not as well connected as we used to. I talk to them maybe once every 3-4 mos. I don't even make the effort to call them. It's me...all me.
I've always been a 'hi and bye' person. I don't like long term relationships. It's too much work. I've always hated talking on the phone because most of the time it's a waste. You wind up talking about nothing for 3 hours. I hate going out with them because when we do we tend to have this round table discussion about our lives and I just don't like sharing details about my life with them (i gather they feel the same) and so we end up talking about the past. I'm soooooo tired of talking about the past! We don't really have much in common outside of what we've lived through together. I honestly don't care what's going on in their lives because I have my own stuff to deal with. I know that sounds selfish but I have a feeling they, too, hate talking about what's going on in their lives as well.
So where do we go from here? My friend said in our brief conversation (very brief because I made up some excuse as to why I had to hang up) that we should all do something together. I really don't want to get together. All I know is that I need to get my act together. They won't put up with my sketchiness for too long. Sooner or later they'll continue their friendship without me and I have to ask myself if that's what I really want. True friends are really hard to come by and I'm realizing that I haven't been the truest. I don't want, 5 years down the line, to regret not making the effort but I also don't want to hold on to something that, in my heart, I'm not sure I really want to work at keeping. A happy healthy person is someone who is true to themself. My heart and mind is struggling to find that commonplace...the point into which I can move on without feeling like I'm carrying the weight of guilt for wanting to end relationships that lasted for 10 years. For now, I'll just take things slow.
Why do I do this to Myself?!!
Every year, for as long as I remember, I've promised myself that I would not wait till the last minute to do Xmas shopping. Yet, again, I didn't follow through with that promise. Since today is Xmas Eve I thought I'd make a run for it first thing in the morning...of course that didn't happen. I left around noon. Then I call myself going to Best Buy to finally get Mary J Blige's and Jaime Foxx's cd's. As soon as I get there I'm faced with a line out the door. That was my cue to reverse my steps back to the car and go to the mall nearby to one of the smaller end stores to get the cds. Hell, I had to pay an extra $2 each for both cd's but at least I got them.
You know it's Christmas when you drive around for 10 mins to find a parking space, wait another 5 minutes while the idiots occupying the space take forever and a day to put their things in the car and back out, then deal with a complete ass who shoots out of nowhere to steal my spot. After 20 minutes, I finally found parking...it was a 10 minute walk to the entrance of the mall but at least I finally made it, right? Guess what greets me when I enter the mall? People, more people, and even more people. Forget trying to get help from store reps, forget finding the appropriate size for a friend without offending her, and forget waiting in line for 20 minutes. The worst part of all of this is trying not to fall or bump into anyone on your way out of the mall carrying loads of stuff that isn't even for me.
Why do I do this to myself? Do I just like the punishhment or is there a little part of me that actually likes the hussle of Xmas shopping. Xtmas Eve in Jersey is like everyday in NYC. People trying to get where they need to be to get what they want as quickly as possible. Haaaaa...I love Xtmas Eve!
What's In A Christmas?
Christmas is a time for sharing, smiling, and getting back in touch with your loved ones. It's warm, happy, and the best time to which people come together and really celebrate living....ok that's like the first hour.Then Christmas becomes about yelling, screaming, and waiting for the opportunity to curse someone out. Ok so I'm here at work. I decided I would come in a festive mood...all smiles. That was the plan. I even wore a Santa hat just to get in the mood. What the hell happened? My coworkers are at each others throats, we're attacking the clients, we're all having an all around horrible day. I tried to be positive...I really did. I'm not genuinely the happiest person all the time but I made the effort to come into this place festive. The problem is we've gotten so tired of each other that we've reached our breaking point. I'm going to try and keep a steady attitude but I can't promise anything. This is why I can't stand celebrating Xmas. It's no longer about the holiday.end of my rant.EDIT:I guess my coworkers saw how unhappy I was and decided to get all cheery. One of my coworkers started to sing (not very good I might add...LOL), to me, a holiday tune at my desk just to get me right again and everyone joined in. We exchanged gifts and got back into the spirit. It really wasn't a bad day after all. I love my coworkers....sometimes.
Just One of Those Days...
Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't want to be bothered? Laughing, smiling, socializing isn't something you feel like doing with anyone. You just focus on your work at hand and try and tune everyone out. I just had that day. Nothing caused my mood. No one pissed me off. It's not that time of the month. I just wanted to be left alone but as hard as I tried I couldn't just tune everyone out and it infuriated me even more. Everytime someone came by it was, 'what's wrong?' or 'Is everything ok?' and though I really couldn't put my finger on it I just said, 'I'm tired' in hopes of them getting it and moving on. The funniest part is that even though something was eating at me I was more concerned with not offending anyone then dealing with my own issues. I didn't want anyone to think I was mad at them and I didn't want people to assume I was just catching an attitude so I just kept to myself until I was ready to force myself to warm up to people. Sadly, it didn't solve whatever it is that's bothering me. Even now as I type I don't know what's eating at me...well...actually I kind of do but I'm not ready to deal with it. So my mood is a manifestation of my inability to deal with whatever is bothering me. So what do I do from here? I do what I always do lock my issue away in a closet, cry myself to sleep, and treat today as just one of those days.*****Since I'm trying to create a more spirited world around me I know I must make the first step. What's the first step? Admitting the problem. So what's bothering me?....I hate change.
What 'Type' Are You?
Somebody said to me that I seem like the type to have more male friends then female friends. I looked at this person very confused. I couldn't understand how he came to this conclusion. I mean, what did I say or do for you to 'type' me. Don't you hate when people just analyze your behavior just to group you? In the end, what's the point of getting to know anyone if you're comparing them to others. In a world where no two people are the same how come we categorize each other? I hate the phrases, 'Generally when someone acts this way....', or 'People like you...', or the dreaded, 'You seem to be the type...'. I mean, really, why are you comparing me and my behavior to someone else? I won't lie, I'm sometimes guilty of this. I'm a horoscope buff so as soon as someone divulges their sign I always try to find that one common denominator that makes people of that sign similar. The question is, why? Is it because we need to be able to somehow place each individual? Or is it just easier for us to adjust ourselves and our behavior to suit the next person. Whatever reason it is it seems to all boil down to you, the individual.
Generally, when a person acts...
People like you...
You seem to be the type...
You know what all of those phrases above have in common? They're all relative to the individual doing the judging. If you took a pool of 100 people and you and your friend, individually, had to split this pool into 5 groups of 20 (opinionated type, shy type, angry type and so on) based on your own interactions with each individual of that pool you both would come up with 5 groups of 20 made up of totally different people. Why, because it's all subjective. Each individual's experience differs from the next. Today a friend of mine, while analyzing my behavior towards another individual, said, 'Generally, when people act like this they are subconsciously...' How about I'm 'consciously' aware of how I'm acting and it has nothing to do with some subconsious need. Could it be that my reason for acting the way I do is because of an issue seperate from what's 'generally' the reason most people you've encountered have? It kind of bugged me because I'm fully aware of how I feel and it was sort of patronizing to have someone try and put a 'type'to my feelings and behavior based on what 'generally' means in relation to them and their experience with others or from a book of psychology.
Since I'm trying to create my new divine world my first step is to try and not 'type' others. My world will be a better place.
Oh, Hilary, Oh, Hilary
I was reading my fellow blogger, Michael's, entry and in it he discusses the bad, badder, and worst traits of one of our favorite Democrats, Hilary Clinton. Anyway, while I was reading his blog he posed a very important question, why do we Democrats love Mrs. Clinton so much? Is it because she's married to Bill? Or is it because she's a Democrat? I'll go with both because for the life of me I can't name one thing she's done to warrant my support *scratches head*. I mean, really, she hasn't done anything out of the ordinary or even remotely close to what her husband has to garner the political attention she's received. Where was she when Congress voted to send our troops to Iraq? Where was she during the Katrina devastation? I've never heard or even read about her speaking out against President Bush. So really, again, I ask, what is the big deal about Mrs. Clinton?
Now don't get me wrong I'm not jumping ship (just yet) but I'm not voting for a candidate soley on their politicial affiliation. Should I take comfort in knowing that she's married to Bill? Technically, he would be her own personal advisor. I mean, who'd make a better advisor than the former president of the United States? Plus, there are rumblings that it might be a race between Hilary and Condeleeza. Wouldn't that just be grand? It'll be like the 2004 elections all over again. A candidate who's completely wrong but is steadfast on proving to everyone she's not and the other who has absolutely no idea of what's going on. She couldn't pick a side if her life depended on it. Now if I were to jump ship and hand anyone my vote ...dare I say...it would go to John McCain. He's what I call the liberal conservative (LOL). The in-between candidate...now come 2008 if he enters the race, democrat or not, Hilary Clinton won't be getting my vote.
I Hate Sensitive Men
I really, really, really, hate sensitive guys. You know what I mean? The guys that are constantly offended by every little thing. If you don't reciprocate their feelings, it's like, 'What's wrong?' Why do you assume something is wrong with me if I don't kiss your ass or I don't agree with what you said. And, God, forbid I actually have an opinion different from yours. Geesh. I used to be involved with this guy who constantly questioned every feeling I had. It's like, damn, give me some space. Then he would analyze my every action. Really, I thought I was the woman in this relationship! If I don't say hi, something's wrong with me. If I don't say bye, something's wrong with me. If I don't call, something's wrong with. Can I live, damn!This message was brought to you by the what I have become since hooking up with a sensitive man . Carry on.
To Hate on a Non Degreer or Not? That is the Question.
I really despise jealous people. Ok, so this chick at work keeps complaining about how she doesn't think the company is paying her much attention. She's always whining about how people who don't have college degrees are being promoted within the company when she's still sitting their feeling unappreciated. I have a college degree, but you don't see me hating on people who are being promoted for working harder than my ass so why is she complaining? I mean, really? A college degree doesn't guarantee a promotion. It doesn't mean you were trained harder than the next guy. A college degree just means you took the extra step. It just means you have a better chance than the next guy to climb that latter of success but if you have someone with no degree who is working a hell of a lot harder why shouldn't they get that promotion over you? The girl who was promoted works hard...she deserves her promotion. I even asked this chick if she felt the other girl didn't deserve it and she couldn't say no.So really what does a college degree really mean? I'm not going to kid myself and say a college degree doesn't mean anything nowaday, because the truth is it still does. Even though I'm pursuing my second BS and will be in a masters program right after I'm in a better boat than most people with 10-20 years of experience because the likelihood is that it took them a hell of a lot longer to get that executive position than it would've been for that college graduate. So after all this rambling what conclusion have I come up with...well...even though I encourage EVERYONE to pursue that paper don't think that because you already have it means you're entitled to any level of advancement. In college your competing against students, at work you're competing against other employees. Your employer doesn't care that you had that higher grade in calculus III only that you can apply what you learned to advance their company. Life follows the Darwin Theory of Evolution, only the strongest survive. I know a hell of a lot smarter people without a college degree than with one.
The Butterfly Effect
Alright, this movie was weird. If someone hadn't given me a brief explanation of the movie before I watched then I would've totally walked away thinking, WTF!! Without giving too much away, the main character [Ashton Kutcher] tries to go back in time to fix his past. This isn't some Back to the Future type movie with a time machine...it's weird and very complicated. The Butterfly Effect gives rise to the notion that when a butterfly flaps its wing in one area of the world it causes a catostrophic weather event in another part. The movie follows the idea that life, no matter how complex and complicated, relies upon an underlying order, and that very simple or small changes in the past can cause very complex behaviors or events in the future.
Watching the film made me ask myself if I had the opportunity to go back knowing what I know now would I change anything? I know some peeps will say, 'I wouldn't be the person I am today if....' When I hear that answer that's my cue to roll my eyes because you can't tell me if you had the chance to go back in time and prevent yourself from tripping in front of those executives or the chance to tell homeboy to put on a condom or even get the chance to say your last goodbye to someone who has passed you wouldn't. Don't even try and convince yourself you wouldn't take the opportunity to change that moment that may have served as the prerequisite for the rest of your life. Tell me, I dare you.
Then again, it's those little moments that you never think twice about that if changed throws off your entire balance. Maybe spending that extra 3 seconds looking up at the sky or deciding to pick up the phone on it's last ring or even sitting for the extra minute while your car warmed up might have saved your life. Either way life is about the unknown. We make decisions on what we think is right at the time. If given the opportunity would I go back and change something in my past...well, yes, but only if I got to see, at that moment, how different my life would be.
Arghhhhhhh!!!!
I am so annoyed right now. I'm in transition. I am leaving my job at the end of the year to go back to school in the Spring. I've been saving to pay my Spring tuition but here comes my 17 year old brother asking for a $200 IPOD. Mind you, I'm the one who bought the ps1 when it was released, the ps2 when it was released, and whatever 'must have' he wanted at the moment. Well I tell my brother I can get him the IPOD but it will be after Xtmas. You know what this fool said, 'But I want it Xtmas day so I can unwrap my gift with everyone else'. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, 'You're 17 years old! What difference does it make when you get your gift as long as you get it? Are you fucking kidding me?!!!' After my little outburst my brother looks down knowing his comment was dumb as hell and now he's moping around like a homeless kid who just lost his cracker.The worst part about of all this is not even his comment but the fact that I still want to get the gift for him before Xtmas knowing full well I might be short with tuition. What's wrong with me? I'm thinking I could still get the IPOD and if I'm short with tuition my parents would make up the difference but wouldn't I be just as bad as my brother? I actually have a job and the point of my working was for me to pay off some cc bills (which I have) and save up tuition. My parents would never come out of their pockets and get my brother a $200 IPOD simply because he isn't doing what you would exactly call exceptional in school. Fuck It, I'm not getting the IPOD. At least I hope I don't....
Mary's Breathrough
I'm loving Mary J's new album. I was beginning to have my doubts about her especially after the horrific Love & Life and No More Drama albums. She was a victim of her own misery in My Life, Share My World, and Mary. She spoke to a generation about inner struggle and it paid off. I once heard someone compare her to Aretha Franklin and on some level this might be true but the one thing Aretha Franklin has done that Mary J has yet to is produce a successful album about love and true happines. It seems we all loved the miserable Mary but she's really shined on The Breakthrough. Mary J Blige has found love. You hear it in songs like No One Will Do, Be Without You, and So Lady. This album truly makes me long for love.5, 4, 3, 2, 1.......ok, I'm over it now.
Ok, I Admit It.
So I've spent most of my life hitting the books in elementary & middle school to prepare for high school. Busted my ass in highschool to get into a good college then did well in college just so my future would be set once I graduated. Well, it's been almost 3 years since I've graduated and I'm no where I thought I'd be...not that I thought I'd actually be doing something specific. Maybe that was the problem. I went into college thinking as long as I finish with a degree I'd figure it out when I graduated. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, is all I heard, for almost 3 years and I am nowhere . Do you know what I majored in? Do you?!! I majored and graduated with a BS in Genetics & Microbiology. Why, you ask because everyone said do science,'... you're so smart. We need a brain like yours in the field.' I hated every minute of it! Yes, I said it, I hated every damn bit of it. *sighs* that felt good to get off my chest.
Don't You Hate....
....when people constantly ask shit like 'You're getting older...when are you getting married?' as if your only goal in life is to be married and have children. Now, if that's your goal I'm not knocking you but, shit, marriage isn't for everyone. I'm only 25. I'm barely making it financially and you think marriage will save me from drowning?! This girl at my job just turned 30 years old last week. Now a month before she was saying that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to get married because she wanted to be at a certain point in her life, careerwise, yet the minute she turns 30 it's, 'I'm so behind. I should be here in my life...at least married'. I thought the key to happiness is doing for you. Life isn't planned. Your life doesn't have to follow the 'first come love then comes marriage then comes a baby...'jingle. It's yours...OWN IT. Take it and do what you want with it. If you start planning out where you should be in 5 yrs you'll never actually enjoy living. Life's not a race.
My Divine World In The Making
My life as I know it is just now starting. Hell, I'm in my mid twenties it's not too late to start, right? I know, I know, I need to get on the ball but that goes to show you don't really know me. I've been breezing through life doing all that was/has been expected of me. Now it's time for me to live.
I recently just made a breakthrough....well not recently. My plan has been in the works for about a year but I just needed to set myself up. I've decided from here on out my life is my own. I feared everything from intimacy to finding a career that completes me. Why, you ask? because I was trying to please everyone so as not to bore you all I won't tell you what I have planned, or even what I'm pursuing as of now. Instead my tangents will be relative to you....uh oh, I know what ya'll are thinking, 'Didn't she say she was going to live for herself, do her own thing?'. Well, hold on while I explain. Though we all live different lives we all experience the same thoughts and feelings maybe not at the same time but we are somehow weirdly connected. I can tell a story and you on some level can relate even though you might disagree with my opinion or how I dealt with the experience you form your own thoughts based on my experience. Why, because on some level you get it.
This is our divine world, the world you make your own, you experience and though you aren't living your world relative to mines your living it with the hopes it becomes as grand as you wished it to be. It's Our, or should I say, My Divine World In the Making.
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